Black Relationships and Domestic Violence

By Hugh V. Collins and Syreeta L. McNeal, CPA, JD

I know everyone is talking about the alleged domestic assault and battery that occurred between Chris Brown and Rihanna during the weekend of February 7 – 8, 2009. Recently, MTV, US Weekly and People magazine did specials or cover stories regarding the incident. Gossip organizations like Mediatakeout.com and TMZ.com all had their spin on what transpired. Many people are expressing outrage and taking sides. Some people have stated that Rihanna must have done something and deserved to get beat by Chris Brown while others believe that Chris Brown had no right whatsoever to lay a hand on Rihanna regardless of the argument between them. Well, domestic abuse is more common and more people in the U.S. and in the world have witnessed some form of domestic abuse in their lives or among their families. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics report in 2005, one in 320 households were affected by intimate partner violence. Also, they report that female victims are more likely to be victimized by intimates than male victims.

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Good Love Gone Bad: Chris Brown Prosecution to be Assisted by Rihanna

R&B star Rihanna is cooperating with investigators building a domestic violence case against her boyfriend, the singer Chris Brown, a police source said Monday.
The source said the 20-year-old performer, whose full name is Robyn Rihanna Fenty, was providing "ongoing" cooperation to detectives who booked Brown on Sunday on suspicion of making criminal threats against her.

An early morning altercation with Brown after a pre-Grammy Awards party left Rihanna with bruises and a scratch on her face, according to police sources. She was treated at a "major medical facility," a police source said.
Brown, 19, has a double-platinum record and dance moves often compared to Michael Jackson's. He fled before officers arrived, police said.
He remained free on $50,000 bail, but neither he nor his attorney would speak about allegations that rocked the Grammys ceremony. Brown and Rihanna were both nominated; neither attended the ceremony.

The fight occurred after midnight on a quiet block in Hancock Park, where Brown had stopped a rented Lamborghini he was driving. According to police, several people saw or heard a loud, violent confrontation. The luxury car was impounded because the alleged assault may have begun in the vehicle, a police source said.

 

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Your Black College: New School Year, New Boys

By Joy Leopold

New Year, New Boys

The problem with old boyfriends is that they never go away long enough for you to get your life back in order before they show up again. Maybe you’re at the point that you don’t think about him every time you pass that old tree the two of you once had a picnic under. You even forgot what color his eyes are and which side his dimple was on. You’re well on your way to that special place where out of sight meets out of mind, but before you reach it, he’s back, and with a vengeance.

Maybe you run into each other at the grocery store. You’re in the t-shirt you slept in, and, of course, he looks good enough to eat. He smiles a smile, that perfect smile he used to smile, and suddenly he has you back where you started. Suddenly your unsuspecting and confused mind is spinning. You can’t remember any of the reasons you promised yourself you’d never speak to him again. You can’t remember why you spent weeks screening his calls. You can’t remember anything…

“Hey,” he says. “Hi,” you say. You try to sniff his cologne without him noticing. He doesn’t notice. He’s too busy noticing how you look cute even though you’re in your pajamas. You notice him noticing you and your heart skips a beat. “Aha,” you think, “he’s still hooked.”Still hooked is a good place to have him. Still hooked means you can have him back if you exert a little effort. Still hooked means the two of you could wind up back where you were when there would be no way you could forget the deep brown color of his eyes. Still hooked means your life is in danger of never getting back in order.

But this is a new year. Remember what he did in April that made you so angry you could barely see? And whatever he said in May that made you wish you’d never met him? Yeah, he’s the same. He hasn’t changed. He’s still cute, and you still kind of can’t breathe when you’re around him, but he hasn’t changed. He hasn’t changed and what’s more, he doesn’t want to change, so he’s not going to. If you’re like millions of college-aged girls, your fall semester is just beginning. Your schedule is soon to be filled with new classes in new rooms with new teachers and new classmates. Maybe you’ve got a few new roommates to get to know. And with all this newness, the last thing a girl needs is the same, trifling boys from last semester.

It’s time for 20somethings everywhere to stand up and say, “new year, new boys!” Out with the old, the tired, the trifling, in with the new. Be as happy as you deserve to be or be single!

So you’re in the grocery store, holding your breath, wondering what to do. Make small talk? Try to find out if he has a new girlfriend? Kick him? Mentally shake yourself. “Get it together,” tell yourself. Then, “He’s so not ready for this.” Next, smile a smile, that smile you smile when you know you’re about to win. Say goodbye, and walk away. Look back, just once, to make sure his jaw is touching the ground and once you see that it is, keep going.

And when he calls a few days later, send him to voicemail without hesitation. Listen to the message he leaves, but don’t call him back.

New year, new boys.

Black College Students: Romance In 2008

By Chiderah A. Monde


It is rather discouraging, being a huge fan of Motown and music from years past, because these songs make us girls wish for the times when there was actual courting by a gentleman admirer, dates that consisted of moonlit walks and holding hands, celebration of how beautiful women are in all of our perfect imperfections, and written love letters singing a sad song of wishing she would come back when she’s gone…

It’s discouraging watching movies like “The Notebook” and getting falsified ideas of what men in love look like, since dating back in 1940 is obviously the same as it is now…

It just doesn’t happen like that anymore…and I’m a little bitter.

There are a few guys out there who will argue to the death that they are still perfect gentlemen who know how to treat a lady right, and this might be true….but the characteristics that make a “Southern gentleman” today has definitely changed from what was considered one back then.

Sorry guys, technology won’t let you be “Southern gentlemen” anymore.

Because today ladies, instead of hurriedly bumping into a man on the street and turning to apologize at the same time he is, causing your eyes to meet and your heart to instantly be captured…

We turn to Myspace, Facebook, Match.com, Eharmony.com and many other websites to see if we can lock eyes with his perfect picture. And then we pray he looks like that in real life if it is at all an attractive profile picture.

And today, instead of receiving a letter in the mail titled “To My Dearest” and detailing the outing he plans to pick you up later tonight for…

We get 10pm text messages saying “Wussup, whatchu doin tonite boo?”

Followed with “I’m tryna chill tonite, you gonna let me come ova?”

Or maybe that’s just us college aged girls….I should certainly hope those older aren’t subject to the same unfortunate text messages.

Still today, instead of getting close at a local lounge dancing the night away, face to face, his hands on your hips, yours around his neck slowly swaying to the sounds of Smokey Robinson’s “Cruisin’” or Marvin and Tammy’s “You’re All I Need To Get By” (my favorite songs)….

We go to the club and get freaky to “Falsetto” or bend over to the remix of “Back That Ass Up” as the DJ asks over the microphones “Where my nasty girls at?!” and naive girls scream in response.

When did it become okay to leave the “getting to know you” part of human relationships out and get right to the relating?

To need a “down ass ride or die bitch” as opposed to feeling so lucky because there “ain’t no woman like the one [you’ve] got”

To see him across the room at the next party instead of him picking you up and assuring your parents he’ll get you back safely by midnight.

To never spend nights on the phone talking with your special someone because he prefers texting anyway…

Or even to be told things like “damn girl you look good” or “you sexy as hell”, in replacement of being told you’re beautiful.

It became okay when texting became a verb, when Facebook became a verb, when Match.com became where you find your one true love, when love dropped it’s vowels and became luv, when terms of endearment like “bust it baby” replaced “sugar pie, honey bunch”….

And when girls began taking directions in a song from Lil John, who says things like “bend over to the front, touch your toes, back that ass up and down and get low”.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

If technology is going to be the death of romance, then only people can be its savior

Your Black College Students: Steppin' Out On A Relationship

There is a saying that warns us never to “lie, cheat or steal”, but there are no sayings that have stopped the middle man- cheating (in the context of relationships) from being the reason for, and looming over more than 40% of failed relationships between men and women.

Many people consider it the unforgivable act and the ultimate end to a union. Cheating is regarded as an act of selfishness, of absent-mindedness, or to some…a way to find out how strong a relationship is.

Cheating is just as prevalent in youth/college-aged relationships, as it is in marriage. The statistics for both are very close in number, and responses are quite similar. What does the abundance of cheating in youthful relationships say about the cheating patterns, and likelihood of growing up to cheat on a spouse in marriage?

I performed a simple Facebook question and answer survey, and invited my friends between the ages of 16 and 25 to respond and comment about their thoughts on cheating.

Out of all of the participating respondents:

60% of the respondents between the ages of 16 and 25 had been cheated on at least once.

20% of the respondents had been cheated on more than once.

60% of males admitted to having cheated on a partner at least once.

20% of females admitted to having cheated on a partner at least once.

70% of respondents agree with the “once a cheater, always a cheater” saying.

60% of females stayed with a partner who once cheated on them.

30% of males stayed with a partner who once cheated on them.

50% of the respondents had relationships that ended because of cheating.

70% of the respondents agreed that cheating means purposefully hurting a partner.

80% of the respondents agreed that the decision to cheat is harbored by some sort of insecurity.

100% of the respondents agreed that cheating is a selfish act.

100% of the respondents agreed that cheating is not worth it in the end.


These statistics speak volumes for the effect of cheating on trust issues for people that have been cheated on, and potentially even for the success rate of couples between the ages of 16-25. More girls are likely to forgive their cheating boyfriends, while more boys consider cheating the ultimate unforgivable act. Of course there are exceptions to all of these statistics, but from the survey and the responses that I received, I can conclude that cheating is a more serious problem than some may dismiss it as, and a huge contribution (or rather hindrance) to the success rate of future couples.

This is not to say that the act of cheating is right or wrong. These opinions vary per individual, but the general consensus is that selfishness and insecurity have a lot to do with the reasons why people cheat. Although most would rather not admit to this, it may be an important underlying cause.